yURy`s Muzik Forum
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Toate bancurile vor fi postate aici !!!
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Vampiri
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A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."
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Q: What starts with F and ends with uck?
A: fire truck
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Two men where arrested by a police officer. To try and get out of the situation, one of the men ate fire works and the other drank battery acid.
The police officer let the guy who ate the fire works go, and put the guy who drank the battery acid on charge.
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Fun Facts
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my
toothbrush in the living room now.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
salad served in first class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise..
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like to be seen
wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when engines
were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured
out how to walk up straight staircases.
And the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
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Q: What happened to the fly on the toilet?
A: He got pissed off
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What did the pillow say to the condom?
I get more head than you.
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Math Trick
Finally! A math trick for people who will follow directions!
Try this... it works!! Don't cheat by scrolling down or it *won't* work!
STEP ONE:
Pick a number between 1 and 100.
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age minus the number in pets in your household. Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal. Write down the number on one side of a piece of paper.
STEP TWO:
Pick another different number between 1 and 100. Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family and subtract your age. Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal. Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
STEP THREE:
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to the last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365. Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
STEP FOUR:
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and sheet two in your right hand.
NOW....
Find a bin/drawer and place the sheets in it....
Scroll down...
Now using both your hands...
Scroll down...
Slap yourself around the head while repeating:
"I'm a stupid person who wastes too much time on junk like this."
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT????
AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION:
WHO IS JACK SCHITT????
The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt".
Now you can intellectually handle the situation... Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were, Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride. Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family.
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Did you know?
Baby seals are called pups, but they're also referred to as "weaners."
Wine is mentioned in every book of the Bible, except for the book of Jonah.
The average American male has seven erections per day.
The White House, and its grounds, takes up 18 acres of land.
One in five people on Earth are Chinese.
In Spain, the TV drama Beverly Hills, 90210 is called Sensation of Living.
According to the official rules of baseball, no umpire may be replaced during a game unless he is injured or becomes ill.
The name for a teddy bear collector is "archtophilist."
The ferret is the third most popular companion mammal behind the dog and cat.
The swimming pool at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Florida is the largest pool in the continental U.S. It covers half an acre and holds 600,000 gallons of water.
Captain Kangaroo was the first TV network kids show in the United States.
The egg of the typical hen has 7,000 tiny pores in its shell.
Catnip not only has an affect on house cats. It can also affect cougars and lions.
The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933.
The study of lightning is called "keraunopathology."
Albert Einstein married his first cousin.
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Weird Facts
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the
books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
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Cool Facts
The average age of the Beastie Boys is 39.
Jennifer Love Hewitt's name can be rearanged to spell Jewel Thief Inventor.
The "London Bridge" which was built in 1831 was torn down piece by piece and flown to Lake Havasu, Arizona where it was reconstructed in 1971 and used as a tourist attraction.
French toast is not from France. It was invented by Joseph French in New York.
There are an estimated 750 million guns in the world, one third of them are in the US.
When tornadoes are about to die down, they make a left turn.
A record 4.7 million Internet domains were sold in the first three months of 2004, bringing the total number of registered addresses to a new high of 62.9 million.
The winds on Saturn can reach up to 1000 mph, and over 1000 mph on Neptune.
Each second there are 50 to 100 Cloud-to-Ground Lightning Strikes to the Earth world-wide.
Years ago in Columbia, they used to chew coca leaves and when the effects wore off they would chew another one, they measured distance by how many leaves it took to get there. ie, how far away is the next town?... mmm 6 leaves.
In the US, if you have alcohol that you're not going to drink and sell it to a friend just to get rid of it, that is a punishable crime by law for selling alcohol without a license.
In some countries, the punishment for driving under the influence (DUI) is death, but in Uraguay drinking and driving is a legal excuse for having an accident while driving.
People who drink alcohol in moderation tend to be healthier and live longer than those who either abstain or abuse alcohol.
If you don't drink alcohol, you raise the risk of heart disease, but many of the health benefits of alcohol are lost if you don't drink it regularly.
Only 30% of Americans believe that moderate drinking is part of a healthy lifestyle and balance life, even though they know medical reports show otherwise.
Contrary to common misperception, alcohol does not destroy brain cells. In fact, the moderate consumption of alcohol is often associated with improved cognitive functioning.
If you drink too much you'll have what?... a hangover. Here's what they call it in other countries, the French call it "wood mouth," Germans refer to it as "wailing of the cats," Italians call it "out of tune," Norwegians identify it as "carpenters in the head," Spaniards call it "backlash," Swedes refer to it as "pain in the hair roots," and most everyone else who speaks English just calls it a hangover.
In Welsh, the word for beer is "cwrw." It's pronounced koo-roo.
Sixty-two percent of Americans report that they have used the service of a designated driver, have you?
Beer was not sold in bottles until 1850 and was not sold in cans until 1935.
A raisin dropped into a glass of champagne will repeatedly bounce up and down between the top and the bottom of the glass.
Have you ever popped a cork on a wine bottle? The longest recorded flight was 177' 9".
Methyphobia is fear of alcohol.
When you drink alcohol, your body temperature rises right? Wrong, the alcohol causes your capillaries to fill with warm blood. This makes you think your temperature is rising but the alcohol actually makes your temperature drop.
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2Many 2Pac Facts
Tupac said the meaning Of "Nigga" is "Never Ignorant Geting Goals Accomplished".
Tupac's mom wanted people to wear white at Tupac's funeral.
His real father's name is Billy Garland.
His Mother's real name is Alice Faye Williams.
Tupac's real name is Lesane Parish Crooks.
Tupac wrote his first rap as M.C. New York.
Tupac thought his father was dead but when he got shot in N.Y. his father went to the hospital.
Tupac's family was very poor and did not have a home they had been living in shelters.
Tupac was going too be in the movie Higher Learning but he had to be dropped from the cast because Tupac was in jail for for allegedly sexually abusing a 19 year old lady.
THUG LIFE stands for The Hatred U Give Little Infants Fuck Everyone.
To Live And Die In L.A. is California Love Part 2.
Tupac said that because of his moms ties with the Black Panthers, the FBI was always after him and his family.
Tupac Amauru Shakur was named after an Inca Indian chief, Tupac Amaru means Shining serpent and Shakur means thankfukl to god in Arabic.
Tupac's given name was Lesane Crooks. He was the son of Afeni Shakur (government name Alice Fay Walker) who was one of the defendants at the Panther 21 trial.
When Tupac was 12 years old, his mother enrolled him in Harlem's 127th St Ensemble where he played Travis in "A Raisin in The Sun".
In the movie Juice, where 2Pac plays Bishop, 2pac said the now famous line "Yeah I'm crazy, but you know what? I don't give a fuck".
When 2Pac first moved to California he was homeless for 2 years.
Tupac started his career on Tommy Boy Records with Digital Underground.
Tupac has a huge cross on his back that says Exodus 18:11 a reference to where the bible says Now I know That the Lord is Greater Than All Gods because he delivered the people from the hands of the Egyptians when they dealt with them arrogantly.
Porn Star Spontaneous XXXStacy, who's been in magazines like Portfolio and Players has a tattoo on her arm with Tupac's name and the title of the song "Keep Ya Head Up."
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Blind Man.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
TARE!!!
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Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
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What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet
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Fridays in Hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Dog telegram
A dog goes to the post office to lodge a telegram. He hands over the form, on which is written "Woof woof woof woof".
The clerk says to the dog, "You know there's a five word minimum charge. You could add another 'woof' to this for nothing."
To which the dog replies, "Yeah sure, but then it wouldn't make any sense."
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2 Cows
2 cows are in a feild. One turns to the other and says, "mooooo".
The other cow replies, "You bastard i was going to say that."
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Pt fete:
What men are like...
Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you
Men are like Bananas.
The older they Get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like Bank Machines
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up
all night long.
Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at but not very bright.
Men are like Parking spots.
All the good one's are taken and the rest are handicapped.
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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
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The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
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There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''That ain't my dog.''
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A man walks into a bar. The man says to the bartender, "Can I have a free beer?" The bartender then says, "You can have a free beer if you do me three favors." The man then says, "Okay." The bartender says, "There is a man that has been running off some of my customers, I want you to go and teach him a leason. Then I want you to go pull a tooth from this wild dog I have locked up downstairs. Then I want you to go upstairs and there is a really old woman that wants a good time. I want you to give her a very good time." The man goes out and beats up the man who drives off customers. Then he goes downstairs. The bartender hears the dog squealing and yelping. When the man comes up he has scratches all over him and says, "Where is the really old woman that needs her tooth pulled?"
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes. I see your picture and say to myself, "what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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A duck walks into a bar, jumps up on the barstool and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says, "No. We don't have any grapes, now get the hell out of here."
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the same bar, jumps up on the barstool and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender replies, "No! No grapes! We didn't have any yesterday, we don't have any today and we won't have any tomorrow. If you come in here again and ask me for grapes I'm going to nail your feet to this bar, now get the hell out of here!"
The duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the same bar, jumps up on the barstool and says, "Got any nails?"
The bartender answers, "No, no nails"
The duck replies, "Got any grapes?"
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A guy walks in a bar with a big alligator on a bull rope.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy. You can't have that in here."
The guy says, "After I show you his trick you'll give me free drinks all night."
The bartender can't resist, so he says, "Lets see it."
The guy then pulls out a huge stick and pulls down his pants. He opens the gator's mouth, dangles his penis between the gator's jaws and beats the animal in the face with the stick.
Everyone is in shock that the gator didnt bite his manhood off. He removes his penis from the gator's mouth, zips his pants and tells the bartender to get him a drink on the house.
Stunned, the bartender says, "I have to see that again."
So the guys does it again and afterwards he says, "Would anyone else like to give it a try?"
An old lady stands up in the back and says, "I'd love to try it, but just dont beat me to hard with the stick!
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Two friends are in a car, drinking beer. All of a sudden they see flashing lights behind them.
The driver looks at his buddy and says. "What the hell are we supposed to do? He will never believe that we werent drinking in here!"
His buddy says, "If you calm down and do what I say, I can get us out of this."
He tells his friend to peel the lable off of the bottle and stick it to his forehead and toss the bottle in the backseat.
They both put the stickers on their foreheads. As the cop walks up to the car, he says, "Good evening fellas. Have you two been drinking?"
The driver says, "No sir."
"Then why are there Budweiser stickers on your foreheads?", asks the officer.
The passenger replies, "We're on the patch."
sa vad dak va prindeti 
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Yo mama is so stupid that she sits on the TV and watches the couch
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ya mama so poor i steped on a cigarette and she said, "who turned off the heat?"
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A MAN,HIS WIFE AND MOTHER IN LAW WENT TO THE HOLY LAND ON VACATION TO VISIT THE PLACES WHERE JESUS BEEN.THE FIRST PLACE WAS THE SEA OF GALILEE AND THE MOTHER GREW WEAK.THE SECOND PLACE WAS THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE AND THE MOTHER HAD CHEST PAINS.THE THIRD WAS AT THE TOMB AND THE MOTHER HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DIED.HIS WIFE WAS SAD AND WANTED TO BURY HER NEAR THE TOMB.THE MAN SAID NO! NOT HERE. SHE SAID WHY?AND HE SAID BECAUSE JESUS WAS RESURRECTED HERE.
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Yo Mama is so fat she puts on lipstick with a paintroller!
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e lung, dar merita!!!
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
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Q: What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.
sat-urile sunt niste teste, pt necunosktori...
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Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Wynot?
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and
takes
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why
have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third little piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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3 guys get lost in the woods and eventually run into a tribe of cannibals. they tell the guys to go find 10 kinds of the same fruit and bring them back. so they go out and the 1st guy comes back with apples and the leader of the cannibals says, "ok you must stick all those up your ass without making an expression on your face or you will be eaten by us" so he sticks up 2 and then squints.They eat him. 2nd guy comes back with berrys and they tell him the task he's like oh yeah this is easy 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..and starts laughing. They eat him. the first 2 guys meet in heaven and the 1st guy says,"why'd you start laughing, you could've got away?!" 2nd guy says,"I couldn't help it I saw the other dude coming with pineapples!"
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Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up. --fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
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What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton?
One wants to screw the world and one already has!
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A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"
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A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated. “Well,” Joe continued, “two squirels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat 'em now?’”
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Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
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I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!
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Yo mama's so old, that when she took her driving license she took it on a dinosaur!
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One day 3 boys were were fishing under a bridge when the president came jogging by and slipped and fell off and into the water.
The three boys saved him.
George Bush said that he would give them anything they wanted.
The first boy said that he wanted a trip to Disney Land. George Bush said, "Ok I will take care of that when I get back".
The second boy said, "I want my dad to have a new car". George Bush said, "Ok I will take care of that when I get back".
The third boy said, "I want an electric wheelchair". President Bush said, "But why son you're not handicapped. Why would you need that?"
The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out who I saved from drowning".
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says? "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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A blonde was driving a convertible when she saw a penguin on the side of the road. So she picked up the penguin. Later she was pulled over by a cop who said, "Is that a penguin?" "Yes, why?", asked the blonde. "What are l you going to do with him?", asked the cop. "I was going to take him home, but I will do what you say instead."
"Take him to the zoo.", said the cop. So the blonde took the penguin to the zoo. Later that day, the same cop pulled them over again and said, "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo!". " I did.", said the blonde. "We had so much fun, I'm going to take him to Six-Flags tomorrow."
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building a house
What's worse than a brunette building a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A blonde trying to burn it down!
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 89
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bah....da` in romana nu stitzi sa scrietzi.....suntetzi chiar enervantzi 
_______________________________________
a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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yURy
Administrator
Din: Bucharest
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
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diaboliku a scris:
bah....da` in romana nu stitzi sa scrietzi.....suntetzi chiar enervantzi |
baga tu...k stiu k le ai...
_______________________________________
Vampiri
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 89
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pey mia fost lene pana aq si aq nu le mai am....
_______________________________________
a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
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dar promit sa revin.....
_______________________________________
a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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Shadow
Pimpus Maximus
 Din: The Shadow Of Love
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
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 si sper sa nu ramanem cu promisiunea 
_______________________________________
Save Me From Myself
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cionaide
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sunt mult mai misto in engleza dak le intzelegi
imi plac mai mult asa...
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Shadow
Pimpus Maximus
Din: The Shadow Of Love
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 1265
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 fiecare cu placerea lui mie imi plac in orice limba
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Save Me From Myself
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yURy
Administrator
Din: Bucharest
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 1585
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dak mai facetzi vreunu off-topic va scad din posturi. aici vreau sa vad doar bancuri !!!
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Vampiri
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 795
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bine mah... uite aici ink unu cu blonde:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Modificat de cionaide (acum 20 ani)
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diaboliku
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Ora de educatie sexuala : profesorul trebuie sa plece si il lasa responsabil pe Bula. - Bula, te las pe tine, dar sa fii cuminte.! Vine profesorul dupa 10 minute si gaseste toate fetele dezbracate: - Ce se intampla Bula ??? - Practica la fete Mai vine iar profesorul dupa 10 minute si gaseste toti baietii dezbracati: - Acu' ce se intampla Bula ??? - Practica la baieti ! Mai sta profesorul ce mai sta si vine iar. Acu' elevii fac sex pe banci : - Bula, e scandalos !!! - Dom' profesor, acu' le-am dat lucrare de control. - Bine, Bula ! Vede profu' doi poponari in spate: - Da' cu aia ce e Bula ? - I-am prins copiind si le-am schimbat subiectele. - Aha. In ultima banca unu facea laba : - Bai, Bula ! - Ala e baiatu' directorului. I-am dat mai usor
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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diaboliku
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Postari: 89
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Cu ce tara seamana adzip? Pai semana cu Anglia pentru ca e mereu umeda... cu Coreea pt ca e impartita în doua.... cu Libanul pt ca au loc periodic varsari de sânge... si cu Romania pentru ca îti vine sa-ti bagi alup in ea
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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diaboliku
Expert
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))))))))))))))))))))))) ia uite mah....alup apare cenzurata )))))))))))))))))))))))))
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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cionaide
Moderator
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Who's the Boss?
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
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cionaide
Moderator
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Extended Sentence
A woman was caught shoplifting in a supermarket on Miami Beach and was arrested and hauled off by police car to appear in night court, where she had been joined by her long-suffering husband.
They had been in this very courtroom, before the same judge, earlier in the week, squabbling over marital spousal support in their on-going divorce trial.
The prosecutor had the store's TV security tape, which proved the theft by the woman had taken place so the judge said, considering her previous record for similar offenses, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. I am going to guess that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said the judge, this is a bit unusual but I'll make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting up to the judge's podium and leaning forward, he said in a low voice,
"She also stole a can of peas, your honor."
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cionaide
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Payback
One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said l! ets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill m! e, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not fo! r the th ings I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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cionaide
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lol
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. "
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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cionaide
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No Laughing Matter
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK, then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls on the floor laughing. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
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cionaide
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The Husband Store
A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.
As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign says:
Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign says:
Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.
"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!"
And, again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says:
Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day
TRUE 
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diaboliku
Expert
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La inceputul secolului XX se duce Bula la ghicitoare. Aceasta ii spune: - Mda... Din cauza ta vor muri multzi oameni shi altzi vor ramane fara casa... Pleaca Bula dezamagit, cand in drum spre casa vede un copil pe shinele de tramvai. Sare Bula, repede, il salveaza. -Cum te cheama, puisor?a intrebat Bula. -...Adolf...Adolf Hitler.
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 89
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ms shadow k apreciezi bancurile mele....:P
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 89
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bah cionaide bancurile tale nu ne plac >
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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Shadow
Pimpus Maximus
Din: The Shadow Of Love
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 1265
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_______________________________________
Save Me From Myself
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 795
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diaboliku a scris:
bah cionaide bancurile tale nu ne plac > |
mie imi plac... si asta cu bula si hitler il stiam d mult... 
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morbyd666
Expert
 Din: bucuresti
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Postari: 90
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blank
Modificat de morbyd666 (acum 17 ani)
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morbyd666
Expert
Din: bucuresti
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Postari: 90
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blank
Modificat de morbyd666 (acum 17 ani)
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diaboliku
Expert
Din: in cartier
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 89
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bey cionaide am zis k nu ne plak k le scrii pe toate numa in engleza... k altfel imi plak....si nu conteaza k u il stii de nush knd k poate si yo stiu unele bancuri pe kre leai postat u
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a murit in fiecare zi cate putzin / alcoolizat printre sticlele cu vin...
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
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corect 
chestia e k mi se par mai tari alea in engleza...
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
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Batranetea:
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"
The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
Postari: 795
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cred k o stiti pasta:
varianta scurta d la scrisoare a 3-a
Tu esti Mircea?
Nu.
e veche, dar e super
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
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ma rog... dak o fi d la scrisoare a 3-a... nu mai stiu sigur
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cionaide
Moderator
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A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"
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cionaide
Moderator
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Know Your Customers
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman`s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won`t have to approach her, if she is interested, she`ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel & spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy & sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. She should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals looking to get totally drunk, and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest girl in the bar. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He`s poor & wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer & wants to get laid.
Wine: He`s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn`t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He`s gay.
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Adinutzza
Expert
 Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 91
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I love you domnisoara
Si sunt very mahnit
Caci when i speak engleza
You razi necontenit.
I know esti englezoaica
But it isn't important
Amorul meu for tine
Is very palpitant.
I can't to sleep azi-noapte
Si-am stat sa learn ceva
From cartea de engleza
Sa-ti tell iubirea mea
Ah, ar fi atat de bine
But you see nu-i chiar asa
Caci eu speak what i can spune,
Dar mai zi si tu ceva.
Te-ai gasit sa ma-ntelegi!
Vad ca dear te iubesc
Understand i love you draga
Cum naiba sa-ti mai vorbesc?
You are totul pentru mine
And i want sa ne iubim
Dar it's difficult vezi bine
Caci we nu ne potrivim.
Nu e clar sa-ncep mai bine
Uite Shakespeare, Juliette
Eu Romeo love pe tine
Vrei ceva si mai concret!
Concret i can't know mai bine
And i speak ca un nauc
Si i'm sorry langa tine
Intru in the balamuc!!!
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im just evil.....brrr....
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Adinutzza
Expert
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 91
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Da unul telefon la *222 si intreaba:
-Domnisoara, de ce imi apare mereu un cal pe ecranul telefonului cand sun pe cineva?
-Nu-mi dau seama, poate asa l-ati setat dumneavoastra. Dar cum arata?
-Pai cand dau telefon apare scris CALL.
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im just evil.....brrr....
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Adinutzza
Expert
Inregistrat: acum 20 ani
Postari: 91
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Eu cand ma-mbat is beat
Cand merg ma tin de gard
Dar daca gardul se termina,
Nu stiu ce-am sa fac
Am sa ma iau in maini
Si am sa-mi fac un vant
Dar tot mai bine-i in picioare
Cind te sprijini de pamant
Dim-neta capu-i greu
Dar eu mai vreu sa beu
Dau cu mana pe sub perna
Oare unde-i capul meu?
Cata bautura-aseara am baut
N-am baut in viata mea
Eu cred ca-s unicul barbat
Care m-am nascut de ziua mea.
De fapt, eu ziua mea
Mi-o fac in fiecare zi,
Daca trebuie – cateodata
Chiar de doua ori pe zi.
De-o vorba, ziua daca-mi cade ziua
Nu mi-o fac de tat
Dar daca-mi cade ziua noaptea –
Noaptea iarasi ma imbat
Ce interesante ganduri imi intra-n cap
Atunci numai cand beu
Nici nu stiu cum de cap in cap
Incap atatea-n capul meu
Ori ca memoria ma ajuta,
Dar asta nu-i putin
Ce-i drept, eu am memorie, numai
Nu tin minte unde-o tin.
Daca doctorii m-or prinde
Stiu ce mi-or propune-amu
Ori traiesc putin, dar bine,
Ori mai mult, dar bine nu.
Eu, de-o vorba, pentru mine
De-acum mi-am ales ce-am vrut
Sa traiesc mai mult, dar bine
Si sa beau cum am baut
Beau si eu, ca moldovanul,
Patru ori pe an, ia zi:
La Craciun, de Hram, la Paste
Si in fiecare zi.
Eu cand beau intotdeauna,
Niciodata nu ma-nervez.
Ma-nervez atuncea numai
Cand nu pot sa ma-nervez
Doamne, ce se-ntampla aicea
De-s asa de multe fete?
Oare-n seara asta am sa
Dovedesc sa beau cu tati?
Cred ca da, pentru ca eu
Intotdeauna dovedesc
Inaintea lor de-aicea
Dupa dinsele sa ies.
Dar pana cand mai este cand
Si inca nimeni n-a plecat
Beau, fumez, mai nu stiu ce
Cand ma trezesc – da amu-s beat.
Si eu de asta nu-nteleg
Mai, ce tot beau asa gustos,
De se duce tot in cap
De parca-as bea cu capu-njos.
Cand dau din bar sa intru-n afara
Si incep cu umbra sa ma intrec
Eu inteleg ca-ncep sa inteleg
Ca nimic nu inteleg
Da principalu-i important
Ca unde m-am pornit m-am dus
Si daca am ajuns acasa,
Acasa-nseamna ca-m ajuns.
Si chiar de-o sa ma-ntrebe tata unde-am fost
Ii spun si ce-am facut:
„Am baut la bar cu Ghita,
Ei, si ce dac-am baut?
Si cu fetele-am baut
Si unde-am fost ma duc si maine
Stii ce-am mai facut cu fetele, tata?�
„Ssss .. Rusine�.
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im just evil.....brrr....
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cionaide
Moderator
Din: Bucuresti
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Un student pica la examenul de logica.
- Domnule profesor, daca va pun o intrebare de logica si nu stiti raspunsul, imi mariti nota?
- Da, sigur!
- Ce este legal dar ilogic, ilegal dar logic, ilogic si ilegal, toate in acelasi timp?
Profesorul se gandeste, face scheme pe hartie, dar nu stie raspunsul.
- Bine, uite, ti-am pus 8 in loc de 3, acum spune-mi si mie raspunsul.
- Faptul ca dumneavoastra aveti 69 ani, iar sotia dvs. are 22 ani este legal, dar ilogic; faptul ca sotia dvs. are un amant de 21 ani este ilegal, dar logic, iar faptul ca dvs. ii mariti nota amantului sotiei dvs. este si ilegal si ilogic!
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cionaide
Moderator
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Inregistrat: acum 21 ani
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un banc super dementzial :
ce canta nebunii kre se arunk d p empire state building?
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I believe i can fly!
Iar cei d jos c canta?
...
It's raining men!
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